A volte ritornano.
E' stato presentato oggi il progetto del Parco del Mare con svariate novità.
Ma noi da buoni triestini legati alle robe vece, ricordiamo il vero progetto che avevamo elaborato ben dieci anni fa nel Tre Volte Monon Behavior, che ritorna di colpo d'attualità. Rigorosamente in inglese perchè xe internescional :)
Park Quell: the Triestin Sea Park Project
“Sea Park will be, that we will not be”
Preface
The Comitate for the Sea Park of
Triest is trying to make this Park from 2004, just after the failure of the
candidation of the city to the Expo 2008. Some anonymous informators told us
that the participation to the Expo was lost because of the too original theme
proposed by Triest, that was: Expo' Nosepo'. The idea was to keep all the
stands closed except the stand of the triestin products. But in this stand, the
organizators would have put some triestin commessas expert of Volentiering (Manna,
2009a), in order to spread to the world the culture of “no tegnimo”, “quel che
gavemo xe là, basta zercar”, “seremo tra zinque minuti, la torni doman” “no i
fa più” and “la provi in Friul”. However, this great idea did not encounter the
positive reaction of the giudicant commission and Triest was excluded by the
Expo.
Now the project of the Sea Park is
having some difficulties and various possible locations have been scartated:
nosepol at Barcola for the inquinament, nosepol at the ortofruitticol market
because it has to go to the Noghere but nosepol for the inquinament, nosepol at
Goby's Holy Mary (Santa Maria del Guato) because se pol, but nosepol, but no se
sa, but there is no bori and who have not bori have not remission.
Smarronated by all this
difficulties, the Comitate for the Sea Park of Triest asked us to develop an
unattackable project, and here it is.
Name
The name must be accattivant, not
scontated and greatly related to the culture of the city. For these reasons we
propose the name Park Quell. As can be easily noticed, the name is
inspired on the famous Parc Guell, the masterpiece of Antoni Gaudì in Barcelona.
We are trying to contact him so he could realize some pieces of the Park, but
for now he did not answered to the phone, bel muss. If he will not collaborate,
che'l se tachi, we will give the job to Toni Raudì, a patock artist cressuted
launching raudi in Borgo San Sergio.
Place
As it could be easily seen in fig.
Faclan, the Gulf of Triest, from Piran to Grado, has exactly the shape of a
clanfa (Zuppa, personal communication).
 |
Fig. Faclan. The Gulf of Trieste fits
perfectly the shape of a clanfa |
So, our great intuition was to make a
giantastic supercosmic structure that covers all the coastal zone, from Piran
to Grado, the greatest clanfa-building of all times. However, the local
administrators told us that this project had a too high tax of sboronery, so we
reduced it as follows:
Our idea is to utilize all the
Barcolan Riviera, from the Earthfull (the Terrapien, dei) to the Miramare
Castle. The Castle, in particular, will be pushed into the sea and will became
an underwater attraction from which windows the visitors will enjoy the
fantastic marine life, with the guatos, the zievolees and the sea stronzs in
the sand.
The ICTP will be absolutely
inglobated and involved in our project. Thanks to its great research
potentiality, it will became the natural headquarter for the study on the
clanfa endemism, and will be renominated in “Institute for the Clanfa Taconeti
Proselytism”.
As we are respectful for the local
traditions, we will leave the topoleenee 7 and 8 as they are now, and will
declare them National Protected Clanfa Area. In all the other zones new
buildings will be constructed for the Sea Park.
We have already all the permissions
to build everywhere, but there is a small group of rebels that are organizing a
sit-in in order to be not rusped away. This evil resistance is composed by some
vecionis that are protecting the old lavre court in Barcola Pineta. We promised
them a new beautiful technological lavre court with radio-controlled electric
lavres, liofilizated spritzets and holographic scostumated mulettes (the famous
holo-gran-phic technology), but they answered that they do no want, that
nosepol, that nogascopo and that nosegamaifato. So the sit-in is still going
on. However, we do not know if they are still sentaded for their rebellious
protest or, more probably, because they are no more able to stand up without help.
Probably, after a week of sit-in, they have gone in sweet (i xe andai in dolce
dei) and have forgotten the reasons of the protest and are simply playing cards
on their tavolinets.
Inquinament and
bonificas
The Earthfull of Barcola is
inquinated with diossine and must be bonificated before the construction of the
Sea Park. We investigated about the problem of the inquinament and found that a
lot of people are preoccupated that in the future there will be fish with 3
eyes, giant trees with legs or super-intelligent four-headed folps that will
conquer the world.
So, in order to tranquilizate all,
we will bonificate the entire area. We will trucidate all the things that are
alive near the Earthfull of Barcola, so we will be sure that there will not be problems
of terrifying mutants. Neither the smallest dna molecule will survive! The
final bonifica.
Zacheghesemo, to improve our
budget, we will use our bonificated Earthfull also as a discarick for the
nuclear wastes of all Europe, in particular for the future nuclear plant of
Monfalcon. This because we are for the “Kilometer zero” culture: the nuclear
wastes will not travel too much and will not inquinate our precious world.
Parking
The city of Triest has a very small
number of parking, so this could be a problem for the accessibility of our Park
Quell. We have two important proposts to solve the problem:
• make
system with the future “Barcola-Monte Grisa Funivy”, so people can leave the
car to Monte Grisa and then come to our Park with the Funivy.
• the second
propost is our favorite and is more easily realizable: when our fantastic Sea
Park will be completed, with all the Aquariums, Theaters, Cinemas, Museums,
daily events and other marvelous things, the city of Triest will not need the
real sea anymore, because no one will have it pel cool. So, we will put a great
boutade of cement in all the Gulf (except the Barcolan Riviera, obviously) and
there will be a giant parking for everybody, the new Parksi “Park Sea”.
Events
The great structures of the Sea
Park will be perfect to organize events and manifestations every day. In
particular, we will give hospitality to the next Clanfa Olympiads, and we will
elaborate a new regolament with a more objective system of evaluation of the
tuffs. The tuffs will be performed in the vasc of the guatos and the winner
will be the clanfador that will make jump out of the water the highest number
of guatos with his schizzs. As triestins are great clanfadores, maybe we will
use the vasc of the dogfish.
Furthermore, we will also give
hospitality to the next Barcolana regates. Obviously in the same vasc of the
guatos, just to break them the maroones again. So the Barcolana will became an
indoor regate and there will be no more problems of too strong wind, too strong
sun, too strong rain, zima de cagars indoss, snow and too cold water. Some
might say that an indoor regate is impossible because there is no wind, but
this is a stoopedade because we do not need the wind: the crew of each ship
will sufiar autonomament on his sails and po' bon.
Didactic
The education of the new
generations is fundamental for the future respect of nature, so we developed
some didactic programs for children.
One of our best activity is focused
on the alimentar pyramid, with practical demonstration: the children will see a
fish that magnates an alga, a fish that magnates other fish and the same fish
that is magnated by other bigger fish. Finally, at the last stage, the children
will experiment if at the top of the pyramid there is the man or the dogfish: the
most fastidious muleto will be launched in the vasc of the dogfish and the
entire classroom will learn with their own eyes if the dogfish magnates the
muleto or if the muleto magnates the dogfish.
Another important activity is
focused on the inquinament. We will give a lot of money to the Ferriera and to
the Gas Intestinal Rigassificator because their collaboration is very important
for the practical demonstration of our didactic programs. Every morning they
will emit all their spuzzs and toxic sporcugnes in our sea in order to show to
the children the effects of the inquinament. We are planning to increase their
sporcugn potentiality in order to make the demonstration more impressive.
Again, the most fastidious muleto (actually the second most fastidious, as the
first has been magnated by the dogfish) will be launched in the inquinated sea,
so the classroom will see in an amusing new way how dangerous is the
inquinament.
Research
A Park with the controquei must
have a Research Department famous in all the world. In particular, our Research
Departement will be the first to give the final solution to the sad problem of
extinction. The fish stock is decreasing and there are a lot of species that
are sparinding every day. To eliminate this problem, our final solution is to
eliminate these species una volta per tute and po' bon, remengo.
In this way there will be also a
great risparm on the funds given to the research for the conservation of these
species. As we will solve the problem, we think that at least the 99% of this
money must be given to our Research Department, that will use it to develop new
methodologies to send in remengo the eventual new species that will become at
risk of extinction in the future.
When these species will know that
now nobody have them pel cool, that nobody is trying to save them, and that
addirittur somebody is trying to remengate them, they will surely cagate in
their braghes and will do their best to be not at risk of extinction.
So, thanks to our genial plan, they
will save them by themselves and the extinction will not be a future problem.
Animals of the
Aquarium of the Sea Park
The idea of an Aquarium or a Zoo
with the animals taken in their exhibits is old and obsolete. In a “normal”
aquarium or zoo, the animals are alimented, cured, salvaguardated and cocolated
a gratish. Sometimes they can even have sex a gratish! This is no more
tolerable and not sustainable.
An animal, to be kept in our
exhibit, must work, in order to pay all the services that the Park will give him
(a clean exhibit, food, toys, natural enrichments and sex). If an animal does
not want to work, he will be sent away at piadones in tel cool. So we develop a
list of jobs for the animals of the Park Quell:
Bavosas: they
will be the comics of the Park, and their favorite number will be the imitation
of Luca Laurenti. When they will get old, their favorite number will become the
imitation of the “vecio bavoso”.
Dolphins: they
will participate yearly to the Olympiad of the Clanfa. We are sure that they have
the perfect shape to schizar a casinaz. However, the dolphins will come yearly
from Lussin only if they have voia, because we know very well that this sort of
spectacles increases dramatically the hunting and killing of dolphins (The
Cove, 2009). We hope also that balenas will come, because they are champions of
bomba americana.
Swordfish: we
have an important collaboration with Margherita Granbassi, that will teach them
all the secrets of the art of the sword. After the addestrament, they will be
ready to participate to our weekly sword tournaments. The swordfish that will
be infilzated will be obviously cusinated in our restaurants or sold to the
fish markets, so there will be no more need to fish the wild swordfish and we
will save them from extinction.
 |
Fig. Nosepa. The famous Nosepolpo.
Bilingual pupol by Vile&Vampi
|
Polpo: we are
addestrating a folp like the famous german Polpo Paul, that always intivate the
correct prevision of the football matches. Our Polpo, called the Polpo
No-se-Paul, or Nosepolpo' for his friends, will be addestrated to give answer
to a lot of important citadin questions (Fig. Nosepa).
Torpedo fish: these
electric fish will be the natural renewable energy of the future. The Park
Quell will be the first place where this new technology will be experimented,
and all the energy of the park will be produced by the electric organs of our
torpedoes. If a torpedo become old and its electric organ begin to malfunction,
it will produce electricity in other sustainable ways, like running in great
criceto's riodele connected with dynamos.
Abyssal fish: they
will constitute the illumination system of the Sea Park. We are speaking about
those very ugly fish with the lanterneen on the head. Obviously, it is very important
that they do not illuminate themselves, because they could spavent the visitors
with their mefistofelic ugliness. However, we will give them a psychotherapist
to heal their autostime.
Penguins: the
penguins will be the cameriers of our restaurants. We tried to convinc them to
make a more original job, like running in the criceto's riodele with their
small zatines, but they told us that they have always worked as cameriers and
they do not want to change their dresses.
Pedocees: the
pedocees, that par 'talian are called “cozzes”, will stay at the entrance of
the park selling the tickets. As they are pedocious pedocees, we are quite sure
that they will perform a lot of istrianisms (Manna, 2009b), so
stoopeedades like 3x2, sconts, reduced tickets, family and group special prices
will be eliminated for ever from our Sea Park.
Sea urchin, sea
porcupine, sea riccios dei insoma: these small nice echinoderms will
be used for a very important and fundamental job: they will be disposed in all
the office screevanias as pen-keeper (portapenne, po'). In case of festins or
rebechins, their aculeos will be very useful also as stecadents to grampar the
parsut.
Sea little horses: they
will be feeded with frico, jota and polenta in order to let them grow. When they
will be circumcirca one meter tall, they will be placed in all our structures
as children games. If it is not clear, we intend that type of games in which
the children stay sentated on the game (typically a car or a horse), insert a
coin and the game begins to move. We are now searching the part of the sea
little horses where the coins will be inserted.
Cocals: they
will be the security of the Park. The colony of cocai of the Pedocin has years
and years of experience in making longhi bruti with all the old maranteegas in
order to steal their lunch, so they are perfect for this job.
Branzins and
Orades: we tried to teach them a good mestier, but they were
not good in anything. The only thing in which they resulted good is the pignat.
So their primary occupation will be being magnated in our restaurants.
Sea stronzs: their
passivity is invincible, so they will be used to replace the cevapceecees in
our restaurants.
Scarpenas: some
asked us if we have scarpenas. No, finide (Note digo).
Orchestreena
Some of our animals will be part of
our great “Sea Orchestreena”, that will play day and night some rivisitated
triestin popular song like “La cavalucia marina zelante”, “el molo de Parenzo”,
“mandeghe la lista al zievolo”, “ancora un litro de ribon” and “I love you
tonni”.
The compontents of the orchestreena
will be:
Turtles, that
will play their strong panzas like tamboorees and percussions;
Vongoles,
canestrels and capasantas, that will tictacate themselves like
small naccheras;
Muricees, naridols
and capalongas, that will play their shells like trumpets. We don't
know if they will be the “fiati” or the “flati” section, because we are not
sure through which part of their body they will suffs inside their trumpets.
Medusas and
anemones, that will indrizz their tentacles like strings and
will be the arpes and the arches of the orchestreena. We prefer the medusas,
because the anemones, as you could easily imagine by their name, are not very
smart.
Sepias, that
will cure the special effects during the concerts, like the black smoke
machines.
Military defense
As we live in bad times and there is a lot
of loschee individuals in the world, a military defense system is necessary.
Also, Triest in particular is a city full of nagane, bobane, tare, trapolers
and genconi, so it is better to stay always in campane. Fortunately, we found
that the sea of Miramare was the secret place where Tetsuya sconded Goldrake in
his last mission (fig. Gold-One). So we stole it agrattish and reprogrammated
it to become our Goldrache, mostro con le tirache, in permanent defense of the
Park Quell. As its stronger secret weapon is the alabarda spaziale, it
is perfect for the role of hero of
Triest.
 |
| Fig.
Gold-One.
Goldrache, mostro con le tirache. |
Construction times
We think that it is very important
that the entire construction of the Park Quell is done by furlans, that are
very laborious and fast. When the job will be completed, we will study a method
to cazarghela and to not pay them. Maybe we will close them in a didactic
aquarium to teach the children the “effects of the sun mixed to sea water on
furlans”.
If we will be able to find some
furlans to build our Park, all the works will be finished in a couple of day.
Instead, if we will not be successful and the works will be done by triestins,
the Sea Park will be constructed with the calmeta between a spritz and another,
and will be when we will not be, but viva l'A e po' bon dei.
Note digo: if
you have not understand this witz, search for “scarpena” in youtube ;)
References
Manna D. 2009a. Triestin
language endemisms. Monon
behavior Vol. 69 No. 90: 9-12. Bianca&Volta edizioni.
Manna D. 2009b. Spinazing, the
triestin answer to the crisis. Monon behavior Ciu: 8-12.
The Cove. 2009. A documentary on
the 23000 dolphins killed every year in Japan.
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