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Is
God lanfur or not? A mystic research
DIEGO
MANNA
Monon Behavior Research Department
Abstract
Triestins
and furlans have a very similar proverb, that affirms that if God
doesn't pay today, he will pay tomorrow. However, in the furlan
version God is lanfur, while in the triestin version God is not
lanfur. We analyzed all the possible evidences to establish
definitely the furlanity or not of God to solve this ancestral
regional diatribe.
Key
words: furlan, bibione, original longhi, spritz, taj di neri
Introduction
In
the solit region in which we conduct a great part of our studies,
there are the solit two populations that cannot see each other:
triestins and furlans (Guf, 2009a). One of the most ancient conflicts
between the two cities is a sort of religion war, also called “the
original longhi” or “the genesis of all the pupoli”:
the great dispute to estabilish if God is lanfur or not.
Furlans
have a very wise proverb, “Ancje
Dio
al è furlan;
sa nol pae vuei, al pae doman”, that affirms that God is lanfur.
But triestins have a very similar proverb, “Dio no xe furlan, e se
no paga ogi paga doman”, that affirms that God is not lanfur. The
only thing in which triestins and furlans are d'accord is that God
will pay today or tomorrow, so they can make puffs without problems,
because God will pay for them -this is an istrianism also known as
“Holy lassing”,
an ethereal form of lassing (Manna, 2009)-. Some academic
scassamarones say that this interpretation of the second part of the
proverbs is incorrect and heretic, but the fact that God will pay all
the puffs is confirmed by an important verse of a popular triestin
song: “Pei debiti
no i ne impicca, la forca no i ne dà, mandeghe la lista al diavolo
che lui li pagherà. E zento, dozento, trezento e anche più, se non
li paga el diavolo li pagherà Gesu.”
As you can easily imagine, the devil always performs an indianing
(Manna,
2009) and goes away without pagar, so God has always to pagar all the
puffs.
Tornanding
to our central problem, the unsurmountable “original
longhi” is also
well represented in the regional iconography, in fact it is
symbolized by the tractin in the name of the region “Friuli –
Venezia Giulia”. To solve the “original
longhi” some
burocrats have recently eliminated the tractin, but the dispute is
still effervescent.
In
this study we will try to give the final solution to this ancestral
dilemm.
Material
and methods
To establish if God is lanfur or not, we planned to use
the Bobici Furlan Test (BFT) elaborated by the Monon Behavior
Research Department in substitution of the old Sgonico Furlan Test
(SFT). These tests consist in writing “bobici” (or “Sgonico”)
in a piece of paper and giving it to the person that you have to
test. If this person is a lanfur, he will read “bòbici” and
“Sgònico”. In parallel, we planned to test also the triestinity
of God using the Volentieri Triestin Test (VTT), because the
TLT, the Triestin Legera Test, is no more
internationally recognized (Patoco, 1954).
Unfortunately, we were not able to find God in any place
where we searched for him (bar, pub, osmeezes, barcola), and finally
we got lost in an autogrill like Max Pezzali (883). Then, some
philosophers told us that we must make a long queue to meet God,
because he's very incasinated and they are asking him a momentin by a
long time (Ligabue, 1995). Furthermore, a very cataclismatic
armageddonic philosopher told us adiritur that God is dead (Guccini,
1965).
So, we based our research only on the data available in
literature, using the first person monade reading in cesso
sentaded sampling method.
Results
We
found evidences for both the hypothesis that we will elencate here de
seguit.
Proofs
that God is lanfur
God
is often described as a trinity. The “furlan” drink is made by
wine, campari and water of selz. In the ancient enologic symbolism
of the German bevandelic priests, this could represent the alcoholic
personification of the trinity.
One
of the greatest miracle performed by Jesus was to transform the
water in wine. This is absolutely the favorite dream of every
furlan.
During
the celebrations, Christ's blood is represented by the wine. All the
real furlans have wine in their blood.
Three
days after his death, Jesus resurrected. Furlans have a very
important natural zone near Codroipo, the reesorgeeves. Maybe God
learned how to resurrect while playing in the reesorgeeves in his
youth. However, some malicious researchers say that the name
“Codroipo” is the greatest proof that God cannot be furlan
(BigFlies, 1993).
 |
| Fig. Frico. FRICO game card Lis Blestemis. |
The
lanfurs evoke God many time each day and have an important language
endemism, the fantasy porconing (Friko, 2008). The fact that
God has not yet incinerated them is indicated by some persons as a
proof of his furlanity (Fig. frico).
In
an apocrif Vangel (Onorio, 5) we found an interesting version of the
story of the resurrection of Lazzaro. It seems that Lazzaro was a
great triestin pomigador that played the part of the death to not
work until Jesus told him “E alore Lazzaro, larin
a vore o no?!”
(“And so Lazzaro, shall we go to work or not?!” N.d.T.)
In
an apocrif Genesis we found the furlan version of the history of the
Babele tower. The real tower was the Mortegliano's campanil, the
tallest in Italy, third in Europe. When it was built, furlans spoke
a unique language, the marilenghe. When God saw the sboronery of the
people, he disperded them in Furlany and confonded their languages,
so that furlans from Carnia could not understand anymore furlans
from the bassa (Onorio, -23). Now they are trying again to speak a
unique language and to take public money for it, but some
theologists are sure that God will punish them again for this.
In
an apocrif Exodus we found a more credible version of the escape of
Moses from Egyptians in the Red Sea. In this version the author
speaks about another sea, the Black Sea, that, to make Moses pass
safely, tagliated itself in two. From that time furlans always ask
for a “taj di neri” (Onorio, -10).
We
found proof that in heaven there is a saint who has the important
responsibility to take 15 deca of crud parsut to God every day, and
his name is San Daniele, like the furlanutis town.
Furlans'
official salut is “mandi”, that for some etymologist derives
from “nelle mani di Dio” (Friko, 2008). So, it seems that in
antiquity all the Friul was in God's hand.
Proofs
that God is not lanfur
During
the genesis, God worked for 6 days and rested the last day of the
week. If God was lanfur, he would have worked for 7 days. (And, if
God was triestin, he would have worked for 1 day and rested for 6).
One
of the miracles of Jesus was the multiplication of bread and fishes.
A real lanfur would have multiplicated panocees and frico, not bread
or fishes. Maybe a triestin God would have multiplicated sardonees
to launch them to mulettes.
Jesus
was born between the asinel and the cow. All the real furlans have
the purcit, not the asinel or the cow.
The
holy book is called Bibbia. Bibione is in Veneto, not in Furlany.
Lignano is in Furlany. If God was lanfur, the holy book would have
been called Ligna (and would have been written in marilenghe).
God
commanded to Noah to put a couple of every animal species in the
Noah's Ark. A real lanfur would have excluded the fastidious
tiger-mussato that sponzees from the list. And also the talps that
make casin in the ort. And also the cagoies that eat all the
vegetables of the ort. And that mone of merls that eat all the
semenzes of the ort. But above all, he would have included more
purcit in staiare (Andrea, 1135).
In
the figliol prodigo parable, the father forgives the son and makes a
big party in his honor. In the hypothetic furlan version of the
figliol prodigo parable, the son goes to Triest to study at the
university and, day after day, is corrupted by the spritzetts, the
osmeezees, the evil jota and the mulettes at Barcola and doesn't
want to work anymore (Guf, 2009b). At the end of the parable, the
furlan father gives a great kick on the popocee of the son, who
finally affogates in the sea while trying a clanfa.
If
God was lanfur he surely would not have destroyed Sodoma and
Gomorra, but Tergeste and the furlan traditors of Pordenon.
During
the 40 days of temptations in the desert, a lanfur Jesus would have
surely teerated a papin to the devil and told him: “Alore,
vonde diaul cun chistis monadis e judimi a lavorà!”.
So, they would have built an aqueduct from the Tagliamento and
zappated and piantated panocees in all the desert. At the end, Jesus
would have offered a sgnape to the devil for his help in the work.
In
a furlan garden of Eden, honey, the holy tree would not have been an
apple, but surely a vite.
The
second comandament seems to be in clear contrast with the lanfur
culture.
A
famous local researcher found a important proof that indicates that
God may be triestin: the fact that the ten comandaments could have
not been written on the Moses' (or Mosè's) tables but on the Masè's
tables, as witnessed also by the local proverb “Ma xe Masè”
(Susta, personal communication).
As
a secondary result we found that God has surely a good sense of
humor, as witnessed by fig. Adam.
 |
Fig.
Adam. One of the favorite God's jokes. Pupol by Federico Manna.
|
Discussion
We
found a lot of evidences that sustain both the hypothesis, so it is
very difficult to affirm with certezz if God is lanfur or not. Also,
there are proofs that are in evident contrast each other, like for
example the case of the second comandament. If God was lanfur, this
comandament surely would have not been written. So it seems that God
is not lanfur. But, the non lanfur God would have surely punished
furlans for their fantasy porconing, but instead furlans have not yet
been incenerited. Also, Udinese is still in Serie A. So, God seems to
be lanfur. But a lanfur God would not have written the second
comandament...and so on. This is a never-ending loop way of thinking
(Wolf, 2009). So, the only way to establish if God is lanfur or not
is the Bobici Furlan Test.
Conclusion
To
resolve the original longhi and decide without doubts if God
is lanfur or not, it is necessary to use with him the Bobici
Furlan Test. However, after compiling all the terrible
bureaucratic cavillitic smarronanting modules to prenotate a meeting
with God (we put the x on the spritz-time option), we are in queue
just after Ligabue, that is waiting by a very long long time just to
fregar to God only a momentin. To complete our study, we think that
we need a lot of finanziaments in order to onzer San Piero that will
show us a secret secondary entrance to meet God. We are also trying
to invite God in osmeeza. In that case, we will not need any
finanziament because we are sure that God, lanfur or not lanfur, will
pay (today or tomorrow).
If
the final result will be that God is lanfur, the furlans will give
also to him, with great celebrations, the label of “Tipicamente
Friulano”.
Precisation
The
correct italian translation of the furlan and triestin version of the
proverb is “Chi la fa l'aspetti”. An unique translation without
any accenn to God, to accontent both populations.
Acknowledgements
We
thanks Lorena Cosatto for her important furlan lazzaronic diabolic
translations and Susta for her important mystic researches.
References
Andrea
S. 1135. La favola del re purcit. Sant'Andrea il re Purcit
sulla brea. Ed. Purcitar.
BigFlies
G. 1993. Codroipo e i suoi perfidi anagrammi. Humor Touring
Club 23: 12-13.
Friko
V.E. 2008. Furlan language endemism: una marea
de porconi. Furlan Behavior 2: 2-4. Attached
a list complete of porcons: 5-230.
Guccini
F. 1965. Dio è morto. In: Nomadi. 1967. Per quando noi non ci
saremo.
Guf
E. 2009a. Con la kriptonite te mazi superman, ma el kren xe
velenoso per un mulo furlan. Ga copà un furlan in bagno. Spritz
records.
Guf
E. 2009b. Al bivio col spruzin. Spritz Records.
Ligabue
L. 1995. Hai un momento Dio? Buon compleanno Elvis.
Manna D. 2009. Spinazing, the triestin answer to the
crisis. Monon behavior Ciu: 8-12.
Onorio F. -23. Phil Collins and the Genesis.
Nirvana Publishing.
Onorio F. -10. Bob Marley and the Exodus. Nirvana
Publishing.
Onorio F. 5. Vangelis lanfur second Onorio.
Nirvana Publishing.
Patoco T. 1954. Mi e ti nel TLT, dal Molo Audace a
far pipì. Raccolta di poesie indipendentiste. King Mengo
edizioni.
Pezzali M. 883. Rotta per casa di Dio. Nord sud
ovest est.
Wolf Z.B. 2009. The loop of Basoviza. In: Patock
Red Capucet. Pierino e il lupo Ed.
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