venerdì 20 novembre 2020

Il parco del mare di Trieste: il vero progetto

A volte ritornano.
E' stato presentato oggi il progetto del Parco del Mare con svariate novità.
Ma noi da buoni triestini legati alle robe vece, ricordiamo il vero progetto che avevamo elaborato ben dieci anni fa nel Tre Volte Monon Behavior, che ritorna di colpo d'attualità. Rigorosamente in inglese perchè xe internescional :)


Park Quell: the Triestin Sea Park Project

“Sea Park will be, that we will not be”


  

Preface

The Comitate for the Sea Park of Triest is trying to make this Park from 2004, just after the failure of the candidation of the city to the Expo 2008. Some anonymous informators told us that the participation to the Expo was lost because of the too original theme proposed by Triest, that was: Expo' Nosepo'. The idea was to keep all the stands closed except the stand of the triestin products. But in this stand, the organizators would have put some triestin commessas expert of Volentiering (Manna, 2009a), in order to spread to the world the culture of “no tegnimo”, “quel che gavemo xe là, basta zercar”, “seremo tra zinque minuti, la torni doman” “no i fa più” and “la provi in Friul”. However, this great idea did not encounter the positive reaction of the giudicant commission and Triest was excluded by the Expo.

Now the project of the Sea Park is having some difficulties and various possible locations have been scartated: nosepol at Barcola for the inquinament, nosepol at the ortofruitticol market because it has to go to the Noghere but nosepol for the inquinament, nosepol at Goby's Holy Mary (Santa Maria del Guato) because se pol, but nosepol, but no se sa, but there is no bori and who have not bori have not remission.

Smarronated by all this difficulties, the Comitate for the Sea Park of Triest asked us to develop an unattackable project, and here it is.


 Name

The name must be accattivant, not scontated and greatly related to the culture of the city. For these reasons we propose the name Park Quell. As can be easily noticed, the name is inspired on the famous Parc Guell, the masterpiece of Antoni Gaudì in Barcelona. We are trying to contact him so he could realize some pieces of the Park, but for now he did not answered to the phone, bel muss. If he will not collaborate, che'l se tachi, we will give the job to Toni Raudì, a patock artist cressuted launching raudi in Borgo San Sergio.


Place

As it could be easily seen in fig. Faclan, the Gulf of Triest, from Piran to Grado, has exactly the shape of a clanfa (Zuppa, personal communication). 

Fig. Faclan. The Gulf of Trieste fits
perfectly the shape of a clanfa

So, our great intuition was to make a giantastic supercosmic structure that covers all the coastal zone, from Piran to Grado, the greatest clanfa-building of all times. However, the local administrators told us that this project had a too high tax of sboronery, so we reduced it as follows:

Our idea is to utilize all the Barcolan Riviera, from the Earthfull (the Terrapien, dei) to the Miramare Castle. The Castle, in particular, will be pushed into the sea and will became an underwater attraction from which windows the visitors will enjoy the fantastic marine life, with the guatos, the zievolees and the sea stronzs in the sand.

The ICTP will be absolutely inglobated and involved in our project. Thanks to its great research potentiality, it will became the natural headquarter for the study on the clanfa endemism, and will be renominated in “Institute for the Clanfa Taconeti Proselytism”.

As we are respectful for the local traditions, we will leave the topoleenee 7 and 8 as they are now, and will declare them National Protected Clanfa Area. In all the other zones new buildings will be constructed for the Sea Park.

We have already all the permissions to build everywhere, but there is a small group of rebels that are organizing a sit-in in order to be not rusped away. This evil resistance is composed by some vecionis that are protecting the old lavre court in Barcola Pineta. We promised them a new beautiful technological lavre court with radio-controlled electric lavres, liofilizated spritzets and holographic scostumated mulettes (the famous holo-gran-phic technology), but they answered that they do no want, that nosepol, that nogascopo and that nosegamaifato. So the sit-in is still going on. However, we do not know if they are still sentaded for their rebellious protest or, more probably, because they are no more able to stand up without help. Probably, after a week of sit-in, they have gone in sweet (i xe andai in dolce dei) and have forgotten the reasons of the protest and are simply playing cards on their tavolinets. 


Inquinament and bonificas

The Earthfull of Barcola is inquinated with diossine and must be bonificated before the construction of the Sea Park. We investigated about the problem of the inquinament and found that a lot of people are preoccupated that in the future there will be fish with 3 eyes, giant trees with legs or super-intelligent four-headed folps that will conquer the world.

So, in order to tranquilizate all, we will bonificate the entire area. We will trucidate all the things that are alive near the Earthfull of Barcola, so we will be sure that there will not be problems of terrifying mutants. Neither the smallest dna molecule will survive! The final bonifica.

Zacheghesemo, to improve our budget, we will use our bonificated Earthfull also as a discarick for the nuclear wastes of all Europe, in particular for the future nuclear plant of Monfalcon. This because we are for the “Kilometer zero” culture: the nuclear wastes will not travel too much and will not inquinate our precious world.


Parking

The city of Triest has a very small number of parking, so this could be a problem for the accessibility of our Park Quell. We have two important proposts to solve the problem:

make system with the future “Barcola-Monte Grisa Funivy”, so people can leave the car to Monte Grisa and then come to our Park with the Funivy.

the second propost is our favorite and is more easily realizable: when our fantastic Sea Park will be completed, with all the Aquariums, Theaters, Cinemas, Museums, daily events and other marvelous things, the city of Triest will not need the real sea anymore, because no one will have it pel cool. So, we will put a great boutade of cement in all the Gulf (except the Barcolan Riviera, obviously) and there will be a giant parking for everybody, the new Parksi “Park Sea”.


Events

The great structures of the Sea Park will be perfect to organize events and manifestations every day. In particular, we will give hospitality to the next Clanfa Olympiads, and we will elaborate a new regolament with a more objective system of evaluation of the tuffs. The tuffs will be performed in the vasc of the guatos and the winner will be the clanfador that will make jump out of the water the highest number of guatos with his schizzs. As triestins are great clanfadores, maybe we will use the vasc of the dogfish.

Furthermore, we will also give hospitality to the next Barcolana regates. Obviously in the same vasc of the guatos, just to break them the maroones again. So the Barcolana will became an indoor regate and there will be no more problems of too strong wind, too strong sun, too strong rain, zima de cagars indoss, snow and too cold water. Some might say that an indoor regate is impossible because there is no wind, but this is a stoopedade because we do not need the wind: the crew of each ship will sufiar autonomament on his sails and po' bon.


Didactic

The education of the new generations is fundamental for the future respect of nature, so we developed some didactic programs for children.

One of our best activity is focused on the alimentar pyramid, with practical demonstration: the children will see a fish that magnates an alga, a fish that magnates other fish and the same fish that is magnated by other bigger fish. Finally, at the last stage, the children will experiment if at the top of the pyramid there is the man or the dogfish: the most fastidious muleto will be launched in the vasc of the dogfish and the entire classroom will learn with their own eyes if the dogfish magnates the muleto or if the muleto magnates the dogfish.

Another important activity is focused on the inquinament. We will give a lot of money to the Ferriera and to the Gas Intestinal Rigassificator because their collaboration is very important for the practical demonstration of our didactic programs. Every morning they will emit all their spuzzs and toxic sporcugnes in our sea in order to show to the children the effects of the inquinament. We are planning to increase their sporcugn potentiality in order to make the demonstration more impressive. Again, the most fastidious muleto (actually the second most fastidious, as the first has been magnated by the dogfish) will be launched in the inquinated sea, so the classroom will see in an amusing new way how dangerous is the inquinament.


Research

A Park with the controquei must have a Research Department famous in all the world. In particular, our Research Departement will be the first to give the final solution to the sad problem of extinction. The fish stock is decreasing and there are a lot of species that are sparinding every day. To eliminate this problem, our final solution is to eliminate these species una volta per tute and po' bon, remengo.

In this way there will be also a great risparm on the funds given to the research for the conservation of these species. As we will solve the problem, we think that at least the 99% of this money must be given to our Research Department, that will use it to develop new methodologies to send in remengo the eventual new species that will become at risk of extinction in the future.

When these species will know that now nobody have them pel cool, that nobody is trying to save them, and that addirittur somebody is trying to remengate them, they will surely cagate in their braghes and will do their best to be not at risk of extinction.

So, thanks to our genial plan, they will save them by themselves and the extinction will not be a future problem.

 

Animals of the Aquarium of the Sea Park

The idea of an Aquarium or a Zoo with the animals taken in their exhibits is old and obsolete. In a “normal” aquarium or zoo, the animals are alimented, cured, salvaguardated and cocolated a gratish. Sometimes they can even have sex a gratish! This is no more tolerable and not sustainable.

An animal, to be kept in our exhibit, must work, in order to pay all the services that the Park will give him (a clean exhibit, food, toys, natural enrichments and sex). If an animal does not want to work, he will be sent away at piadones in tel cool. So we develop a list of jobs for the animals of the Park Quell:

Bavosas: they will be the comics of the Park, and their favorite number will be the imitation of Luca Laurenti. When they will get old, their favorite number will become the imitation of the “vecio bavoso”.

Dolphins: they will participate yearly to the Olympiad of the Clanfa. We are sure that they have the perfect shape to schizar a casinaz. However, the dolphins will come yearly from Lussin only if they have voia, because we know very well that this sort of spectacles increases dramatically the hunting and killing of dolphins (The Cove, 2009). We hope also that balenas will come, because they are champions of bomba americana.

Swordfish: we have an important collaboration with Margherita Granbassi, that will teach them all the secrets of the art of the sword. After the addestrament, they will be ready to participate to our weekly sword tournaments. The swordfish that will be infilzated will be obviously cusinated in our restaurants or sold to the fish markets, so there will be no more need to fish the wild swordfish and we will save them from extinction.

Fig. Nosepa. The famous Nosepolpo.
Bilingual pupol by Vile&Vampi

Polpo: we are addestrating a folp like the famous german Polpo Paul, that always intivate the correct prevision of the football matches. Our Polpo, called the Polpo No-se-Paul, or Nosepolpo' for his friends, will be addestrated to give answer to a lot of important citadin questions (Fig. Nosepa).

Torpedo fish: these electric fish will be the natural renewable energy of the future. The Park Quell will be the first place where this new technology will be experimented, and all the energy of the park will be produced by the electric organs of our torpedoes. If a torpedo become old and its electric organ begin to malfunction, it will produce electricity in other sustainable ways, like running in great criceto's riodele connected with dynamos.

Abyssal fish: they will constitute the illumination system of the Sea Park. We are speaking about those very ugly fish with the lanterneen on the head. Obviously, it is very important that they do not illuminate themselves, because they could spavent the visitors with their mefistofelic ugliness. However, we will give them a psychotherapist to heal their autostime.  

Penguins: the penguins will be the cameriers of our restaurants. We tried to convinc them to make a more original job, like running in the criceto's riodele with their small zatines, but they told us that they have always worked as cameriers and they do not want to change their dresses.   

Pedocees: the pedocees, that par 'talian are called “cozzes”, will stay at the entrance of the park selling the tickets. As they are pedocious pedocees, we are quite sure that they will perform a lot of istrianisms (Manna, 2009b), so stoopeedades like 3x2, sconts, reduced tickets, family and group special prices will be eliminated for ever from our Sea Park.

Sea urchin, sea porcupine, sea riccios dei insoma: these small nice echinoderms will be used for a very important and fundamental job: they will be disposed in all the office screevanias as pen-keeper (portapenne, po'). In case of festins or rebechins, their aculeos will be very useful also as stecadents to grampar the parsut.

Sea little horses: they will be feeded with frico, jota and polenta in order to let them grow. When they will be circumcirca one meter tall, they will be placed in all our structures as children games. If it is not clear, we intend that type of games in which the children stay sentated on the game (typically a car or a horse), insert a coin and the game begins to move. We are now searching the part of the sea little horses where the coins will be inserted.

Cocals: they will be the security of the Park. The colony of cocai of the Pedocin has years and years of experience in making longhi bruti with all the old maranteegas in order to steal their lunch, so they are perfect for this job. 

Branzins and Orades: we tried to teach them a good mestier, but they were not good in anything. The only thing in which they resulted good is the pignat. So their primary occupation will be being magnated in our restaurants.

Sea stronzs: their passivity is invincible, so they will be used to replace the cevapceecees in our restaurants.

Scarpenas: some asked us if we have scarpenas. No, finide (Note digo).

 

Orchestreena

Some of our animals will be part of our great “Sea Orchestreena”, that will play day and night some rivisitated triestin popular song like “La cavalucia marina zelante”, “el molo de Parenzo”, “mandeghe la lista al zievolo”, “ancora un litro de ribon” and “I love you tonni”.

The compontents of the orchestreena will be:

Turtles, that will play their strong panzas like tamboorees and percussions;

Vongoles, canestrels and capasantas, that will tictacate themselves like small naccheras;

Muricees, naridols and capalongas, that will play their shells like trumpets. We don't know if they will be the “fiati” or the “flati” section, because we are not sure through which part of their body they will suffs inside their trumpets.

Medusas and anemones, that will indrizz their tentacles like strings and will be the arpes and the arches of the orchestreena. We prefer the medusas, because the anemones, as you could easily imagine by their name, are not very smart.

Sepias, that will cure the special effects during the concerts, like the black smoke machines.

 

Military defense

As we live in bad times and there is a lot of loschee individuals in the world, a military defense system is necessary. Also, Triest in particular is a city full of nagane, bobane, tare, trapolers and genconi, so it is better to stay always in campane. Fortunately, we found that the sea of Miramare was the secret place where Tetsuya sconded Goldrake in his last mission (fig. Gold-One). So we stole it agrattish and reprogrammated it to become our Goldrache, mostro con le tirache, in permanent defense of the Park Quell. As its stronger secret weapon is the alabarda spaziale, it is perfect for the role of  hero of Triest.

 

Fig. Gold-One. Goldrache, mostro con le tirache.

Construction times

We think that it is very important that the entire construction of the Park Quell is done by furlans, that are very laborious and fast. When the job will be completed, we will study a method to cazarghela and to not pay them. Maybe we will close them in a didactic aquarium to teach the children the “effects of the sun mixed to sea water on furlans”.

If we will be able to find some furlans to build our Park, all the works will be finished in a couple of day. Instead, if we will not be successful and the works will be done by triestins, the Sea Park will be constructed with the calmeta between a spritz and another, and will be when we will not be, but viva l'A e po' bon dei.

 Note digo: if you have not understand this witz, search for “scarpena” in youtube ;)


References

Manna D. 2009a. Triestin language endemisms. Monon behavior Vol. 69 No. 90: 9-12. Bianca&Volta edizioni.

Manna D. 2009b. Spinazing, the triestin answer to the crisis. Monon behavior Ciu: 8-12.

The Cove. 2009. A documentary on the 23000 dolphins killed every year in Japan.


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mercoledì 18 novembre 2020

Lidl, dopo le scarpe ecco i trombini

La Lidl, dopo il grande successo delle scarpe de gomma, lancia sul mercato il nuovo oggetto del desiderio: i trombini LIDL!




Al momento tuttavia pare che l'iniziativa stia riscuotendo successo solo nelle filiali di Trieste, perché nelle altre parti d'Italia la gente no sa cossa xe i trombini.
"Poko male ciò," esclama Franz Kren, CEO della Lidl Esportazioni nel Litorale Asburgico, "triestinen essere ottimi klienti e noi non dofere preokupare se resto di italien no capissi un klinz!"
 Già pronto infatti un nuovo prodotto dedicato esclusivamente al mercato triestino: il fapunte lidl.


Va ben va ben, per concluder ve ricordemo una dele 50 cose da non fare a Trieste (cussì ghe femo reclàm al libro, ovio!):



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venerdì 6 novembre 2020

Le mudande de San Nicolò

Manca un mese giusto al 6 dicembre. Bon, podessi esser el momento giusto per scriverghe la leterina a San Nicolò, cussì el riva a organizarse el viagio perchè in tempi de Covid podessi esser pupoli povero.

E cossa domandarghe se no...

LE NOVE AVENTURE DE SAN NICOLO'!

Xe rivadi infati in libreria (e anche da Urbanwear e Tipicamente Triestino) due novi episodi dela colana de libri dedicada al Santo preferito dei triestini:



San Nicolò e i Krampus, in cui el doverà corerghe drio a sti mati che vien zo dela Carnia a far scandal e divertirse in Porto Vecio sula 81 e in giro per la cità.


Le mudande de San Nicolò, in cui el doverà corerghe drio (sempre corer povero, ghe calerà la panza!) a cinghiai e cocai che ghe vol rubar le mudande, quele bele che el gaveva vinto in osmiza e anche quele con cui el gaveva partecipado al'Olimpiade dele Clanfe!

Che insieme col numero 1, La bereta de San Nicolò, forma una trilogia imperdibile :)
Perchè ciorli tuti? Perchè varde coss'che nassi co li metè vicini in libreria:


Eh eh, ebbene sì... probabilmente ghe sarà anche un 4 e un 5, cussì el pupolo sarà completo! :)
Bon, cossa spetè? Corè in libreria a ciorli! I costa 5 euri.

Ve contemo anche un segreto. Da desso fin a Nadal le edizioni White Cocal Press farà consegne a domicilio (nel comun de Trieste, altrimenti xe de pagar anche le spese de spedizion) con oferta 3x2 su tuto el catalogo dei libri. Verzè el link, scegliè 3, mandè una mail a manna@bora.la con scrito quai volè e dove e quel che costa de meno xe in omagio (podè anche cior 6, cussì gavè ben 2 in omagio). Morale: podè gaver la serie completa dei San Nicolò comodamente a casa a 10 euri.

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