Sesso e bestiuze: i bacoli che se ciula le birete

Torna a grande richiesta (no se sa de chi) la rubrica sesso e bestiuzze.
Dopo gaver parlado dei barbastei pompinari e dei scoiatoli pipaioli, ogi ghe demo la gloria eterna ai bacoli che se ciula le birete.

I muloni D. T. Gwynne e D. C. F. Rentz ga osservado infati, nel lontano 1983, che ai bacoli australiani maschi dela specie Julodimorpha bakewelli ghe vegniva la longa (per dirla con precisa terminologia oxfordiana: they had the long) vizin ale boze de bira.
I xe cussì ciapai che tanti ghe la dà (nel senso che i mori) perchè le formigole aprofita per rosigarghe l'usel. Ou, xe scrito cussì eh, con tanto de foto:

Le robe bele de sto studio però xe sopratuto nela metodologia usada e nele conclusioni:

1. I muloni i disi che i iera "in un sito" dove iera bozze de bira, qualchiduna piena, qualchiduna meza svoda, qualchiduna tuta slucada, e anche qualche boza de vin, che i bacoli no ga gavudo pel cul. Ne par quindi evidente che el studio xe stado fato serai in un serissimo laboratorio de ricerca.
2. Le conclusioni a cui i riva xe che:
   - i mas'ci segui la filosofia de quel che ciapo ciapo più dele femine;
   - i mas'ci ris'cia de più che le formigole ghe rosighi l'usel;
   - se te lassi in giro birete, oltre a far scovaze te fa un dano ambientale:
   Salva un usel de bacolo, buta via le birete svode.

El Monon Behavior Research Department, nel riconosser l'importanza de questo studio, no pol far a meno de domandar fondi per condur el medesimo studio in un importante "sito" triestin, i.e. osmiza, per veder se i mandrioi nostrani (Melolontha melolontha) ghe vien la longa col teran. Ai traditori lanfur che ghe vien la longa col tocai ghe manderemo le formigole eviratrici.

Sesso e bestiuzze vi è offerta da:

Monon Behavior in the world. La rubrica dedicata ai più importanti studi scientifici VERI che ci hanno praticamente rubato. Maledeti ciò.

Dito questo, ciapè sto bel video de Massimiliano Milic del zogo più bel del mondo: BARKOLANA. Lo trovè nele librerie e negozi de zoghi più boba dela Region. E da Urbanwear e da Tipicamente triestino!
No centra niente coi bacoli, ma un poca de reclam no fa mal :P
Chi no lo ga ancora ciolto ghe mandemo le formigole!

Troppe birre fanno diventare gay: lo dice la scienza

Nel ricordarvi che oggi è l'ultimo giorno di Pint of Science (programma sul link), appuntamento che mescola scienza e birrette, non potevamo fare a meno di notare questo importantissimo studio scientifico:

Riassumendo, i muloni hanno condotto lo studio fuori da un bar intervistando svariate bevandele, misurandone il tasso alcolico e l'attrazione mostrata per dei video de omini e de babete.

I ricercatori hanno trovato che:

1. Le babe no ga pel cul.
2. Gli uomini bevandele invece se incocalissi sia per video de babe che per video de omini, seguendo il famoso detto "buso xe buso e... " bon, savè come che va avanti...

Ovviamente noi del Monon Behavior Research Department non possiamo astenerci dal far notare che unendo i risultati 1 e 2 in pratica si capisce che quando uno prova a ubriacare una baba per ingrumarla, in realtà non funziona, se imbriaga lui e dopo chissà cossa ingruma (tanto no se ricorderà)...
Un unico dubbio che ci fa notare l'amico Claudio Pacchialat: siamo sicuri non fossero birre anal?

Lo studio va comunque sicuramente ampliato, per cui non resta altro che incominciar a frequentar bareti ogni sera e via ;)
Magari cominciando da stasera a Pint of science ;)

P.S. E' tornato il Monon Behavior in edizione ampliata e remasterizata! Lo trovate a soli 5 euri in libreria a Trieste, in Bisiacaria oppure comodamente online a questo link oppure in  versione ebook.

Trieste: European City of Science 2020?

Il Monon Behavior Research Department non poteva non dare il proprio sostegno per la candidatura di Trieste a Città Europea della Scienza 2020.
Appena abbiamo saputo che la Commissione avrebbe dovuto leggere un report di 200 pagine, subito ci siamo messi nei loro panni e abbiamo esclamato "che coioni!".
Quindi abbiamo prodotto questo paper di 4 pagine che semplificherà di molto il lavoro ai muloni che devono prendere questa difficile decisione. Daghe!

Trieste: European City of Science 2020?

DIEGO MANNA

Monon Behavior Research Department

Abstract

The marvelous city of Trieste is one of the two candidates to become the European City of Science 2020. We provide here a fundamental study to help the Supervisory Committee in its difficult final decision without reading a long full bid, saving in this way a lot of precious time that could instead be spent happily in Trieste. Yes, obviously we sustain Trieste. Even with psychological subliminal colored brain manipulation. Trieste. Trieste. Trieste is good. You love Trieste.

Key words: ESOF, cevapčiči, pint of science, no se pol, hangover 

Introduction

ESOF (EuroScience Open Forum) is the largest interdisciplinary science meeting in Europe. This biennial European forum brings together over 4,000 researchers, educators, business actors, policy makers and journalists from all over the world to discuss breakthroughs in science and give them a platform for discussions on science and society, policy and business issues.

Yes, the part above is a shameless copy-paste from the web. But this is the introduction, and the introduction is always a clever work of copy-paste (Vinavil, 2016).

At the end of the first selection, two candidates remained in play to host the ESOF and become European City of Science 2020: Trieste and the combo Leiden/The Hague in the Netherlands. As Leiden and The Hague are actually two different cities, some wise strategists suggested to Trieste to ally with its historic evil neighbor enemy: the city of Udine. But Trieste heroically refused and will face the last battle only with its own force, as shown in fig. Yoda (Yoda, 32 BBY).

Fig. Yoda. Yoda encouraging Trieste to face the battle alone.

So, now Trieste has to produce a complete full bid of 200 pages to convince the Supervisory Committee to select it. 200 pages. Yes, 200 pages.

Even if you read them very rapidly it will take about 3 minutes/page (Vicki the Robot, 1986), for a total of 3 x 200 = 600 minutes, i.e. 10 hours, i.e. more than an entire day of work, i.e. more than an entire month of work for triestin people.

As we know that this could be a very boring and long job, with this paper we want to help the Supervisory Committee to take its final decision without reading nothing. Only this short paper. Because short is better. Like Maradona. Or Messi.

P.s. You love Trieste.

Material and methods

To collect data for this report we used the first person wine-break sampling method (Depardieu, 2013), living directly for 38 years the peculiarity of the city and speaking with other scientists during coffeewine-break about Trieste.

We also use the subliminal colored brain manipulation, but you must not be aware of this. Trieste rulez.

Results

The main result of the important wine-break brainstorming sessions are shown in fig. Hangover.

Fig. Hangover: Mačka, also known as the dog of Trieste, after a wine-break brainstorming session.

However, a lot of interesting secondary results were obtained, as shown below:

Scientific background:

Trieste seems to be perfect to host the ESOF 2020 for its great number of organizations and people involved in science:

• ICTP (International Centre for Theoretical Physics)
• SISSA (International School for Advanced Studies)
• University of Trieste
• Area Science Park
• Elettra-Sincrotrone
• OGS (National Institute of Oceanography and Experimental Geophysics)
• ICS (International Center for Science)
• ICGEB (International Centre for Genetic Engineering and Biotechnology)
• TWAS (The World Academy of Science for the advancement of science in developing countries)
• UWC (United World College) Adriatic
• IS (Immaginario Scientifico)
• OATs (Astronomical Observatory of Trieste)
• FIT (Fondazione Internazionale Trieste)
• IAP (InterAcademy Panel on International Issues)
• IAMP (InterAcademy Medical Panel)
• COSTIS (Consortium on Science, Technology and Innovation for the South)
• AMP Miramare, the first Marine Protected Area in Italy
• Pint of Science Trieste

And, last but not least, Monon Behavior, the first Research Department that use the scientific method for useless and demential triestin things.

Geographic position:

Trieste has a perfect central position:

1. It is exactly on the border between East and West Europe. So you can easily find occidental beers as well as top quality eastern beers.

2. Trieste is also on the border between North and South: now it is in the industrious North of Italy, but for 500 years it was the lazy South of the old Austro-Hungarian Empire.

This cultural melting pot is reflected also by the food, and you will find pasta and pizza as well as cevapčiči, pljeskavice, razniči, goulash and jota.

However, there is still a big wall in Trieste, the last wall in Europe: the wall of the Pedocin, the only beach where males and females are happily separated (Fig. Pedocin). Ten years ago, the proposal of breaking down the wall was followed by a popular insurrection to maintain it. 

Fig. Pedocin. The wall of Pedocin, separating males (left) from females (right).

Accessibility:

Trieste in his history experimented all the three great dictatorial regimes: Fascism, Nazism and Communism.

Also, the actual mayor was born in the evil rival neighbor city of Udine (Manna, 2017).

As you can notice, Trieste is even too much accessible.

Business plan:

Trieste is the capital of istrianism, i.e. the capacity of saving money. So there will be no problem for this. We will buy slovenian gasoline, beers and medicine, so the budget will be easily affordable.

Motto:

The historic motto of the city is: No se pol, that means something like “No, you can't”.

Can you choose Leiden and The Hague instead of Trieste? The answer is obviously: “No se pol”.

Hotels and conference facilities:

Trieste is a touristic city so it's full of hotels, restaurants and nice places where people can meet and relax.

But the real peculiarity of Trieste is the osmiza. Osmizas are small farms, each of them opens two weeks a year to sell its own products: eggs, ham, cheese, bread and wine.

Osmiza is the triestin endemism that you will love at first sight (fig. Osmiza).

Fig. Osmiza. The rapresentation of Heaven.

Preparation of the event:

Trieste has one of the greatest percent of over65 in Europe (Cecchelin, 1955). So, there will be a lot of old people watching the construction sites, controlling that everything is made con un poco de quel che se ciama, i.e. as in the old times, when everything was always done better (Fig. Umarells).

Fig. Umarells. Old people coordinating the street works. Photo from www.atrieste.eu

Discussion

From our results, it seems to be clear that Trieste is the perfect choice for the ESOF 2020. Its position and accessibility mixed with its high scientific background is yet a great attribute, but the thing that make Trieste obligatory is obviously the osmizas.

There is a clear correlation between osmizas and science, as shown in the graphic below (Manna, 2016).

Open osmizas vs triestin scientific production from 1990 to 2015.

Finally, osmizas easily explain why everybody loves Trieste:

You love osmiza. Osmiza is Trieste → You love Trieste.

This demonstration is so logical that it doesn't need any further discussion. However, if asked, other discussions could be done in Trieste 2020, obviously in osmiza.

Conclusion

The paper surely gave to the Supervisory Committee a good help for their final decision.

However, this short report resulted not as short as we wanted. This is because Trieste is such a wonderful city that we could continue in the description of its peculiarities for at least... 200 pages. Ok, we think you must read also the complete official full bid. Surely you'll find other important reasons to select Trieste. The first one, obviously, is that you love Trieste.

Acknowledgements

Thanks to every person that loves Trieste and that will read this important paper up to this point.

And thanks to Yoda. Yes, we will use the force!

References

Cecchelin A. 1955. Old people: they must be killed yet in their childhood. Veci col capel 5: 45-49.

Depardieu G. 2013. 13 bottles a day keep the doctor away. In vino veritas.

Manna D. 2016. L'osmiza sul mare. Bora.La

Manna D. 2017. The clanfa: a rare triestin endemism. Monon Behavior remasterizated: 18-23.

Vicki the Robot. 1986. Reading... done.

Vinavil B. 2016. Introductions for dummies.

Yoda. 32 BBY. Trieste, use the force. Star Wars real quotes changed by Lucas for avid purposes: 124.

Bon, se volete lo studio tutto bel in pdf per spedirlo in giro potete scaricarlo qui. 

Fatene buon uso!

P.S. E' tornato il Monon Behavior in edizione ampliata e remasterizata! Lo trovate a soli 5 euri in libreria a Trieste, in Bisiacaria oppure comodamente online a questo link oppure in  versione ebook.

El tran de Opcina xe nato disgrazià. La dimostrazione scientifica.

Oggi torna in libreria il primissimo Monon Behavior, da tempo esaurito.
E lo fa con una veste nuova, grazie alla copertina di Erika Ronchin (auguri! oggi è il suo compleanno!), e con ben 3 studi extra e altre monadine extra.
Insomma 20 pagine in più dell'edizione originale. Daghe!
E altra roba per la gioia delle spinazze... il tutto a un euro in meno! Il Monon Behavior Remasterizated costa infatti solo 5 euri!
Lo trovate già in libreria a Trieste, presto in Bisiacaria oppure comodamente online sulla Botega triestina oppure in versione ebook.
Ed ecco l'anteprima!


Is the Tran of Opcine really born disgraziated?

DIEGO MANNA
Monon Behavior Research Department

Abstract
A famous local triestin song says that the tran of Opcine is born disgraziated, and this seems to be the reason why it is always inciodated. We collected some data in order to estabilish if this is true and if the most famous and loved triestin mezz of transport is in some way salvable or if it is destinated to go no more to Opcine, but to Remengo.

Key words: remengo, cavala zelante, Austria, furlans, stropacul

Introduction
One of the most important touristic attraction of Triest is the famous Tran of Opcine, an old small railway that colleg the center of the city to Opcine, in the Altipiano, sburtanding a lot to rampigate itself for about 300 meters of dislivel.
However, the tran is very often broken, so the tourists are obligated to visit other triestin attractions, like the bus 36 in summer with the spuzon of scaios or the 17/ with the universitarian nacici or the 20 during the Muja Carnival fracated with a lot of garbanting muleti (Sors, in press).
The reason of this continuous rompidures remains a mistery, even if there is an old triestin song that affirms that simply the tran of Opcine is born disgraziated (Beps, 2016).
This song may be correct, as the maximum pearls of saggezz in Triest are expressed propr by popular songs, like for example:
- “I have a horse that walk zelant and strassinate herself with the ass”.
- “If the mother ask you where is Bertolin, Bertolin has gone to casin”.
- “The fart is a natural thing, who molate the fart will liberate himself from a mal” (Fig. Mal).
- “If I’m paleeda as a straze, vinaze vinaze and fiasks of wine”.
- “And Austria has capoozee that you cannot eat” (Marisa, 1987).
So, the aim of this study is to evaluate if the tran is really born disgraziated or not, and if it is, to understand what we can do to save it.

Fig. Mal. Guy farting, liberanding himself from a Mal.

Material and methods
We used the first person brainsorzing sparing cazadas method to acumulate a good number of indizs about the disgraziety of the tran. Then we evaluated the disgraz factor of each indiz utilizing the scale REMENGO: Rapid Emigration in Mona Enforced by the New Geriatric Order, that is a unit of measure based on how many time an old insempiated triestin send you in mona or to remengo (Patoco, 2012). If the REMENGO SUPREMO is reached, the tran is surely born disgraziated.

Results
We found these indizs about the disgraziety of the Tran de Opcina:

Ambiguous name: some veciones brontolate that it is not correct to write “tran”, but you have to write “tram”, because its etymology derives from the english word “tramway”. But it also may derive from the italian word “tranvai”, so tran may be ugualment correct.
However, an old insempiated exclamated a “remengo, che coioni dei!” imediatament when the word “etymology” appeared in this study, so we assigned 10 REMENGO points.

Being a turistic attraction: for this reason, as all the other triestin touristic attraction, the tran of Opcine is under the nefast effects of the carocogoic malediction of Miramar, and automatically goes to remengo (without passing from the VIA).
REMENGO points: 50

Austrungaric origins: as all other things born under Austria, the tran is subject to the law “se stava meo co se stava pezo” (Teresa, 1762), and has gone automatically to remengo with the arrive of Italy.
REMENGO points: 50.

Lego version: yes, the tran has a Lego version (Note Lego). But, as always, a young mocoloso will zogar too much and will dispicate everything, sending it to REMENGO (10 points).

Incomplete route: the tran is very powerful and rampigate itself de stracagars from Triest to Opcine, where it stops its percors. The old veciones are very incazated for this, because they wanted a real complete osmiza tour, slonganding to Samatorz, Prepot, Malchine, Prosek etc, to impetessar themselves without risking the patent. So the obvious REMENGO is servited (20 points).

Presence of evil portabikes: the tran has the portabikes and can portar three bikes. For the old veciones this is diabolic, because everybody knows their mantra “Trieste no xe per bici”. For this the heretic tran takes 50 REMENGO points.

Riparations always with furia: the tran was made in 1902 by austriacs in 11 months. Now, when it’s broken, it takes at least 1 or 2 years to indrizate it. It is evident that in 2017 these riparations are made with too much furia. The correct modus operandi would be the old pearl of saggezz “Pian e ben, e se no ben almeno pian” (Cagoia, 1921), so the cantier for the riparations would last a lot of years and all the veciones would be happy to watch it.
REMENGO points: 10.

Fastidious esortative in the name: the name tranvai can be scomposed in “Tran, vai!” that is a clear incitament to efficiency and to work. The tran, that is triestin inside, will have a great girament of marones for this reason and will answer “Va ti ah se te ga tuta sta voia!”. Or, if it is in good journade, he will simply answer “Volentieri”.
REMENGO points: 30.

Furlan cospiracy: the song of the tran of Opcine seems to be an evil furlan malediction mascherated.
They tradited themselves with this verse: “Bona de Dio, iera giorno de lavor”. Noone in Triest would write a verse with a so spiccated lanfur philosophy. Instead, a real triestin would write “Che coioni, iera giorno de lavor” or “Bona de Dio, iera tuti in osmiza”.
REMENGO points: 1000

Discussion
Sommanding all the indizs, we reach a REMENGO level of 1230 points. We are very very over the REMENGO SUPREMO level, as you can see in figure Remengo.

Fig. Remengo. The tran, going to Remengo. Futizated photo of Cayo! Effe de Forum Trieste. 

So, it is evident that the tran is really born disgraziated, and the last indiz also tell us the primary cause:
The tran is affected by a powerful furlan malediction, contained in its song, secretly written by the lanfurs a long long time ago and donated like a trojan horse to the inconscious triestins, probably aprofintanding of a moment in which they weren’t attent, maybe in summer, at Barcola (Scazz, 1995).
So, the only way to save the tran from going to Remengo is to cancel this furlan malediction, and we know how to do it.

The cure is based on this simple ragionament:
1. The furlan malediction sends the tran to Remengo.
2. “Va remengo” is very similar to “Va cagar” (Patoco, 2012).
1+2 → The furlan malediction send the tran to cagar.
So, the perfect cure is simply a Rosa canina, also known as stropacul. Magnanding it, the tran will no more go to cagar, and neither to remengo.

Conclusion
From our study it is evident that the tran is really born disgraziated. This is dovuted to a furlan malediction mascherated in the popular song “El tran de Opcina” (even if the correct name of the song is “La nuova bora”, but pochi sa).
However, we have the cure, so we need to be fully finanziated to experiment it. Also, we must ciapar a lot of public scheis to realize our revenge plan on furlans. We must perfezionate a malediction that transforms all their semenzes of panoces in semenzes of kren, that is velenous for lanfurs (Guf, 2010).
Chi la fa la spetic.

Acknowledgements
We thanks the tran for being our favourite mezz of transport since childhood. And we know, maybe it is not disgraziated, but just a little bit too triestin, so it has not voia de lavorar and makes a lot of pause cikin that last some years. Eh bon ah.

Note Lego
The mulon Diego Mozina has per bon realizated a lego tran (Fig. Lego). Now he needs our help: with 10.000 likes the tram could be produced by Lego. You can contribuite in this site.

Fig. Lego. The Lego version of the tran realizated by Diego Mozina.

References
Beps. 2016. El tran de Opcina rock version. La galina con tre teste
Marisa. 1987. But how mandeengo was that jovinot. Colpo de reni popular songs.
Cagoia G. 1921. How to write a book pian and. Incomplete opera.
Guf E. 2010. Con la kriptonite te mazi superman, ma el kren xe velenoso per un mulo furlan. Ga copà un furlan in bagno. The dark side of the spritz.
Patoco T. 2012. Remengo facebook che no ga el boton remengo. Remengo editore. Anzi, remengo tuti.
Scazz B. 1995. La vita che mi voio xe a Barcola su un scoio. Moleme day.
Sors F. In press.  Beyond the tram: four coriere that need to be ciapated to be a real triestin patoc. Monon Behavior Quel
Teresa M. Kartofen in tecen mit panzeten. Asburgo kulinarien kul in arien.


Bon, e desso tutti in libreria a ciorre una copia del Monon Behavior! Altrimenti la maledizione lanfur non scomparirà nemmeno con un stropacul! ;)

Le mudande bagnade fa cagarse de fredo

Fuori piove.
Ocio.

Fortunatamente la scienza viene come al solito in nostro aiuto.

Ecco lo studio scientifico (vero) che dimostra che star cole mudande bagnade te fa cagar indosso de zima.

In pratica Bakkeviq e Nielsen hanno testato quattro paia de mudandoni (cotone, lana, polipropilene e doppio strato lana-polipropilene) su otto persone che dovevano stare fermi 60 minuti coi mudandoni bagnai.

Hanno valutato la temperatura della pelle, del busdel e la perdita di peso. Hanno inoltre raccolto le indicazioni soggettive delle persone. Tipo porconi e insulti probabilmente, robe cussì.
Il risultato (che sorpresa!) è che più sotile xe la mudanda, più zima te ga. Meo de tuto quele de lana e polipropilene.

Attirati da questo importante studio, abbiamo ritenuto doveroso approfondirlo e controllare che non ci siano stati bias (errori di sbaglio) nella progettazione.
Tipo: tra le otto persone c'era un furlan? Tutti sanno che i furlani sono onnipotenti di fronte alla pioggia, per cui sicuramente no ghe gavessi fato un baffo.
Tuttavia, essendo furlan, avrebbe porconato lo stesso, quindi casin e studio a remengo.

E' stato poi valutato il SPF (Scorezoni Prot Factor) degli otto candidati? Perché è evidente che chi può asciugarsi le mutande a scoregge risulta avvantaggiato.

E una volta valutato che andar in giro cole mudande bagnade fa zima, è stata proposta una metodologia per no bagnarse el cul? Perché ricordiamo il famoso detto:

Chi che nassi sfortunà

ghe piovi sul cul anche stando sentà.

Insomma no xe facile.
Urgono copiosi investimenti per approfondire questo importante studio dei muloni Bakkeviq e Nielsen. Deneli e femo noi tuto.

Monon Behavior in the world. La rubrica dedicata ai più importanti studi scientifici VERI che ci hanno praticamente rubato. Maledeti ciò.

Bon, e adesso non vi resta che andare a comprare l'osmiza sul mare e regalarlo a tutti!

Se no ve pioverà sul cul anche in osmiza! :P

L'Osmiza sul mare lo trovate in tutte le librerie di Trieste e Bisiacaria a 10 euri.
Oppure comodamente online a questo link.
O anche in formato ebook.

FOLLOW THE WHITE COCAL!

Il verso giusto della carta de cul

Oh là. Finalmente una delle più grandi diatribe, insieme a robe tipo cani vs gati, lasko vs union e de che parte se verzi la banana, viene risolta.
Ecco il brevetto originale della carta de cul, del 1891.
Dal pupolo, si nota il modo corretto di installarla.
Daghe!

Pulisi de can e pulisi de gato: chi salta de più

Niente, oggi non possiamo fare a meno di condividere questa importante short communication, che saria in pratica traducibile con "monadina", nella quale i muloni sottoelencati in calce (fa sempre 'ssai figo dirlo), dopo attente misurazioni, stabiliscono che le pulisi dei cani santa più dele pulisi dei gati.

Cat and Dog Pulisi Erasmus Program

Bon insomma dai lori risultati par che le pulisi dei gati saltino mediamente un metro e una neocibalgina (unità di misura degli anni '90 per indicare 20 cm), mentre le pulisi dei cani saltino mediamente un metro e una scoreza (30 cm), quindi di più.

Colpito dale interessanti ripercussioni di questo studio sulle nostre vite, il Monon Behavior Research Department non può esimersi dal domandare cospicui finanziamenti (se no xe se pol cavargheli a monade tipo la Nasa... che cacchio la ga de nasar ancora dopo tuti sti anni? Nissun no la vedi ma tuti la nasa. 'ndemo vanti dei!) per poter approfondire l'argomento e valutare chi salta di più tra:

• zimisi
• pulisi
• formighe
• bacoli

Le generazioni future ci ringrazieranno.

Monon Behavior in the world. La rubrica dedicata ai più importanti studi scientifici VERI che ci hanno praticamente rubato. Maledeti ciò.

The infinite sadness of the Val Rosandra evil plan

E bon ah. Tuti assolti perchè gnanche pel cul dei, uacciuari.
It's ok to eat fish cause they don't have any feelings. Figurite i alberi.

Alora ne par giusto ricordar la Val Rosandra cussì, tirando fora sto studio, per non dimenticare, ma piuttosto mandar in m... bon dei gavè capì, fa anche rima, xe poesia ;)


The Val Rosandra evil plan 
DIEGO MANNA
Monon Behavior Research Department 

Abstract 
On 24 March 2012 the Val Rosandra Natural Reserve has been spelachiated by a too much zelant brivez while neting the river. A lot of trees have been tirated down. Now, a lot of porconis are being tirated down by ecologists and people, that are asking themselves the reasons of this excessive action. We analyzed all the hypothesis and finally found the real evil hidden plan. 

Key words: gas intestinal, tav, ailanto, alien, lanfur

Introduction 
On 24 March 2012, the region Friul Venice Julie began an important series of netaments of the regional rivers. Most of the rivers were obviously in the Friul, like the Meduna or the Isonzo, that is the confin between Friul and Venice Julie. However, for par condicio, the region decided that also a triestin river was to be netated. Some proposed the Timavo, but they answered that it’s sconted under the ground so it’s difficult to netar it. Some proposed the Rio Ospo, but they answered that they don’t want to go to Brazil. At the end the selected river was the Rosandra.
Some told them that Val Rosandra is a Natural Reserve, but they answered that there are no problem, if they will be in reserve, they will go to make benza in jugo that is vizin and cost less.
Some told them that Val Rosandra is a SIC, but they answered that there are no problem, SIC means SIChesepol, in contrast with the typical triestin Nosepol.
Some told them that Val Rosandra is a ZPS, but they answered “E che coioni!”, and said that there are no problem because ZPS means Zona de Potatura Strong (Grignani, 1997).
During the operations, the brivezs were a little too imborezated and cut the Val Rosandra at scartazet (Fig. brivez). A lot of big and important trees like piopps, ontans and saleecees were tirated down with a great damage for the natural equilibrium of the Reserve. Also, this was made in a season very important for the reproduction of a lot of animalets of the Reserve, like usels and ampheebios (Vera, 2003). So now ecologists, “ambientalists of salott” (Cereeanee, 2012) and people in general are really incazated black and, between a porcon and another, want to know the reason of this spelachiament, that an Ordinary Professor of Botanic (i.e. "a person with a personal ambientalist salott in the University of Triest". Cereeanee, 2012) defined ambiental disaster (Nimis, 2012).

Fig. Brivez: Val Rosandra and the infinite sadness. Photo by Dario Gasparo

Material and methods
To understand what’s happened, we use the first person scoionament reading method, a variant of the solit first person scoionament sampling method (Manna, 2009), that consist in reading a lot of things about Val Rosandra and then drinking a spritz to dimenticar the sadness of the spelachiated Reserve and then ligar yourself on the trees to boicottate future brivez actions.

Result and discussion
We analyzed different hypothesis to explain the new scartazet look of Val Rosandra:

The furlan plan
As the assessor of ambient responsible of the operations, Ceereeanee, is furlan, a corrent of pensier thinks that this is the first phase of an evil lanfur plan to conquer Triest. The second phase will be to plant panoces in Val Rosandra. Panoces OGM, with the anti-triestin gene inplanted, that will trasform all the triestins in people who love work. Panic.

The TAV plan 
Another corrent of pensier is convinted that this disboscament is the first step for the realization of the TAV. Infact, as in Val di Susa there are still great problems, they have decided to build the TAV here because in this way they will recycle all the cartels that were za pront. They will only scanzielate “di Susa” and write “Rosandra”, with a great risparm of bori.

The conspiration plan 
Some believe that this is part of a biggest conspiratory plan in which there are involved aliens, chimic scies, 2012, the murders of JFK, Sauron, Tito and also the most terrible one: Quel mona che bate la porta (e chiude urlando) (BigFlies, 2012).

The vecionis plan
There are some interceptations of dialogues between vecionis that contain allarmant indizs. In particular, the vecionis exclaim a lot of time “una volta qua iera tuta campagna” and “no xe più la bora de una volta”. Furthermore, the vecionis individuated in the trees the cause of the rallentament of the bora. So, to ristabilir the conditions of the tempi andai co se stava meo co se stava pezo, the vecionis have a great enemy: the trees.

The ailanto plan
This is a very interesting and realistic theory. The ailanto is an infesting tree with great capacity of diffusing itself. One of its best strategy is to take mental control of humans and obligate them to plant other ailanti in all the world. This human state of mind is called “il morbo di ailo” and it’s very easy to recognize it, because the human with the “morbo di ailo” exclaim a lot of times during the day the word “Ailo!”. It is evident that in Triest all the population have the morbo di ailo and are controlled by the ailanti. The second part of the ailanto plan is, obviously, to plant a lot of ailanti in Val Rosandra. Ailo!

The grigliata de pasqueta plan
Some people think that the above hypothesis are too complex and that all is instead very simple. This year there will be a great grigliata de pasqueta in Val Rosandra, and there were too many trees that were making ombre. Now there will be more sun and also it will be easier to ciapate some animals for the grigliate.

The Ikea plan
Peoples in blue and yellow who cutted the trees were really IKEA clones from Villesse and as we speak the piopps, ontans and noces are being transformed into furnitures by busy lanfurs for their secret Triangle of the Chair base beneath the rotonda of Manzàn (Tout, personal communication).

The Gas Intestinal Plan
The last current of pensier thinks that this is the secret evil plan of Gas Intestinal to make its rigassificator without other rompiments of balls from triestins and ambientalists of salott. The rigassificator will be built in Val Rosandra and will use the water of the Rosandra river, so no one will scassar the maroons for the sea ecosystem. Another ambiental problem was the use of the cloro in the stabiliment. Nema problema: the water with the cloro coming out from the rigassificator will be put in a giant piscine, so all the triestin citizens will be happy for their new balnear stabiliment, in the middle of a Natural Reserve. Figada. Also, as the freshwater has a inferior density of the marine water, it will be easier to schizzar higher while clanfing and the future Clanfa Olympiads will be organized here. Some solit disfattists may say that the gasier ships will not rivar there. Gas Intestinal has yet thought about this, and will scavate the Rio Ospo in order to let it reach Val Rosandra. As these are very smart considerations, at least as smart as the plan of building it in the Zaule ploc', we think that this is the correct explanation of the Val Rosandra scartazet new look.

Conclusion 
There are many hypothesis for the spelachiament of Val Rosandra, but we think that the most credible is that it is the first step of the construction of the Gas Intestinal rigassificator here. However, also the ailanto plan is really a convincent theory. Ailo!

Acknowledgements 
We are sad for what’s happened in Val Rosandra and we hope that in future these operations ask the parer of the ambientalists of salott that study these ecosystems from a life. We will thanks all people who will manifestate their empathy for nature without making casin in the Reserve and without planting plants in the Reserve, that is a tacon worst of the buso.

References 
BigFlies G. 2012. Se venite avanti ancora vi dò un pugno. Gaetano 12: 3-5
Ceereeanee L. 2012. Ambientalisti da salotto. Ed. Canapè
Grignani G. 1997. Ti raserò l’aiuola. Un disco de Grignani che desso no me ricordo dei.
Manna D. 2009. Miramare-Opicina: a preliminary study on the best bicycle way. Monon behavior Vol. 69 No. 90: 9-12. Bianca&Volta edizioni.
Nimis P.L. 2012. L’intervento effettuato in Val Rosandra si configura come un vero e proprio disastro ambientale. Facebook note
Vera P. 2003. Primavera e usei nele zone umide. Wetlands kamasutra 23: 2-5.


P.S. stiamo lavorando al nuovo progetto LA GALINA CON TRE TESTE, CD di canzoni popolari triestine in versione punk, rock e pop.
Potete sostenere il progetto e partecipare al crowdfunding pre-ordinando una copia del CD a questo link.
Ci aiutate anche facendo girare la notizia!
Ecco un assaggio delle canzoni del CD nel video qui sotto :)

Sesso e bestiuzze: i pipistrei pompinari

E bon, dopo lo studio sugli scoiattoli pippaioli era ovvio che ne trovavamo un altro di pari livello.
Ecco l'articolo dei muloni cinesi nientemeno che sui pipistrelli pompinari.

Insomma pare che nel 70% dei rapporti tra pipistrello e pipistrella quest'ultima pratichi il sesso orale al partner.
I ricercatori si sono dati al voyeurismo extraspecifico e hanno raccolto un mucchio de materiale video che ora stanno rivendendo al mercato nero dei pipistrelli adolescenti (sì, se andate sulla pagina del paper trovate anche un video, con la musichetta tra l'altro!)

Va ben, siccome siamo scienziati seri e la rubrica ha (anche) scopo educativo riportiamo anche le ipotesi dei muloni cinesi sul perché del comportamento.

1. Per una maggior lubrificazione e maggior successo riproduttivo.
2. Maggior controllo del partner, essendo che poi i due si dividono e vanno a formare gruppi unisex per il resto della stagione. (Riassunto in: te sta qua con mi fin che no te passa la voia, dopo te pol andar pur a zogar coi muloni).
3. Azione battericida e prevenzione delle malattie.
4. Presenza di segnali chimici che possono dare informazioni sulla scelta del pipistrello, insomma su quanto el mato xe figo.

Noi siamo per la 3, anche se noiosa.
Ovviamente il Monon Behavior Research Department non poteva esimersi dal proporre di dare un contributo importante a questo studio procedendo alle medesime osservazione sulla specie Homo sapiens e quindi stiamo cercando volontari...
... bon ma no dei, xe un viz tropo scontà ;)

Sesso e bestiuzze vi è offerta da:

Monon Behavior in the world. La rubrica dedicata ai più importanti studi scientifici VERI che ci hanno praticamente rubato. Maledeti ciò.

Omo longo usel longo?

Oh là. Ecco finalmente lo studio scientifico che mancava.
La relazione tra altezza, lunghezza del piede e usel.

Tra l'altro giustamente pubblicato su "Annals (con due enne) of sex research".

Allora in pratica i mati studiosi hanno trovato che la lunghezza dell'usel è correlata statisticamente sia all'altezza delle persone che alla lunghezza del piede.
Ma il coefficiente di correlazione in realtà è basso (de statura?) e quindi alla fine no, non si può stimare niente né dall'altezza né dal piede.

Ovviamente come al solito mettiamo la pezeta e proponiamo di approfondire un po' lo studio per mettere in relazione all'altezza delle persone cose ben più importanti della lunghezza dell'usel.

Vanno quindi assolutamente finanziate le seguenti ricerche che faremo:

1.  Qual è il coefficiente di correlazione tra altezza e monaggine, chiamato scientificamente LEM (Longo e Mona)?
2. Qual è l'altezza soglia per poter definire un uomo "dindio" in base al noto principio "Omo longo, dindio sicuro"?

Urgono sbrodighezi statistici e campionamenti.
Sono benvenuti i mona di diverse altezze per poter approfondire le due ricerche. La scienza vi ringrazierà.
Non sono validi i tre volte boni, ovviamente, che ne incasina i calcoli!

Monon Behavior in the world. La rubrica dedicata ai più importanti studi scientifici VERI che ci hanno praticamente rubato. Maledeti ciò.

Sesso e bestiuzze: gli scoiattoli pippaioli

Bon, oggi apriamo una nuova ennesima rubrica etologica:
sesso e bestiuzze, in cui mostreremo vari importanti paper scientifici (VERI) sule bestiuzze sporcaccione.
Si parte dagli scoiattoli pippaioli.

Allora in pratica questi scoiattoli sono stati beccati più volte in fragranza a farse pipette.
La logica etologica antropocentrica frustrazionistica ha ovviamente portato a pensare che lo facessero se rifiutati dalle scoiattole o nel periodo in cui queste non erano in estro.

Invece, vara ti, lo studio mostra come la frequenza sia maggiore durante l'estro, che a farsele siano maggiormente i muloni alfa e addirittura che le pipette vengono fatte dopo il rapporto sessuale con le scoiattole, e non prima (quele robe tipo per durar de più la volta dopo o robe simili).
Altra roba sporcacciona importante: le zoccoliattole durante l'estro ghe la dà (terminologia scientifica oxfordiana) a circa 10 scoiattoli diversi in 3 ore.

La conclusione della studiosa è che:

• Così tanti rapporti promiscui in poco tempo possono portare a infezioni.
• Farse pipette può servire come forma di grooming che riduce l'insorgere di infezioni. 

Pensemo che la ga ragion. Bravi tutti (ela e i scoiattoli).

Inutile a dirsi che non potevamo esimerci dal proporre approfondimenti a questo studio, fondamentali per l'uomo:

• Vista la propensione onanistica ad alto ritmo degli scoiattoli, vanno assolutamente effettuate analisi oculistiche per stabilire la veridicità della credenza popolare che farse pipette faccia diventare ciechi.
  Sti scoiatoli dopo un poco co i salta i se s'cioca contro i alberi o no?

• Vista la quantità di rapporti promiscui, va monitorata la struttura craniale degli animali.
  Quanti corni ga in testa sti scoiattoli?

Sesso e bestiuzze vi è offerta da:

Monon Behavior in the world. La rubrica dedicata ai più importanti studi scientifici VERI che ci hanno praticamente rubato. Maledeti ciò.