sabato 8 marzo 2014

Donne e monogamia: un approccio evolutivo

Qual miglior omaggio per la festa della donna se non lo studio rigorosamente scientifico, tratto dal Tre volte Monon Behavior, sulle origini evolutive della monogamia femminile? (aiuto)

From nacici to maranteega: is female polygamy a good sexual strategy for humans?

Monon Behavior Reseach Department 

Our research focuses on the human female sexual strategy. Recent studies demonstrated that monongamy is becoming the principal male sexual strategy. We investigate about the possibility of polygamy in females following two study groups, one with the gene BUS-One and one with the allele MUS-One. We found that under normal conditions female polygamy could be a competitive strategy, but many complex variables incasinate all the situation. 

Key words: mulettes, pH-eega, TE-STRAEWIRO, Eva, monongamy

Recent studies have demonstrated that the best sexual strategy for the males of Homo sapiens should be the polygamy, but the genes of polygamy, that are localized in the Y chromosome, are blocked by two female genes, the TE-EWIRO (TErrible-Effects of Wife Romping maroons) and the evil TE-STRAEWIRO. The second is so powerful that conduces the males to the monongamy, a very inzerbinated and guinzagliated form of monogamy (Manna, 2009a). For this reason, polygamy is only a secondary strategy for human males, that risk many sazie lignades when pizzigated by females. However, there is an important question still debated: why polygamy is not the main sexual strategy in human females? In this study we will try to answer to this important question sacrificing and immolanding ourselves to the terrible ire funeste of the female readers, that will conclude that we don’t understand a zocca of the profond and sensible female universe (Elio et al., 1989).

Material and methods 
We planned to compare two populations of 1000 females of random CTF factor (Manna, 2009b), the facilones and the pure. The facilones are facilones, and the pure pure. As this division seems to be semantically ambiguous (Witz, 2004), we substituted the second group with the brave putele. Obviously, the facilones are polygamous and live with more than one male (a phenomenon called monapolization), while the brave putele are monogamous. The facilones have, in their X chromosome, the gene BUS-One active, while the brave putele have the allele MUS-One. Some female readers will be yet not d’accord because this division is very superficially and not correct and there are a lot of sottil sfumatures that we muli stoopeedees cannot understand. We will try to migliorar our position rampeengand ourselves on the mirrors in the next chapters. To better describe the experiment, we followed constantly the facilones group and helped them in coltiving their polygamy, using the first person dilettament sampling method (Siffredi and Pozzi, 1993). We left the groups free of doing what they want for five years and then we analyzed the results in terms of fiois generated, to estimate which strategy has the best fitness.

The results are riassunted on this table.
Group            –  Fiois generated – Fiois per day per person 
Facilones       –          1001           –         0,0005
Brave putele  –           932            –          0,0005

After five years, the facilones have generated 1,001 Kfiois, while the brave putele 0,932 Kfiois. During the study, we noticed that the female possessive behavior toward males was the same in both group: during courtship, females prefer males that do a lot of things, that are possibly sportiv, full of friends, that are pheegoni, bobe and that are potentially full of resources. Then, after the gene TE-STRAEWIRO has made effect on the male transforming him in an inzerbinated monongamous pikerin, the females don’t permit the male to make other new things, to make the pheego, to make the mona with the friends or to zogar calceto, because they want to canalize all the energy of the male in a unique way: to them. Bon, after this sentence, we will need a great rampeegade on the mirrors in the next chapters.
Furthermore, we noticed that in five years both groups have became a little less nacici and a little more maranteegas, with a costant abbassament of CTF factor and a parallel innalzament of RGF (Ranzidume Growth Factor, previously described by Susta) (fig. Ranzida). A 15% of females from both groups have also inscribed themselves to the facebook group “el club dele ranzide”. Bon, the mirrors in which we have to rampigate are becaming more and more sbrissous…

Fig. Ranzida. Typical female reaction to male's free spirit caused by loss of CTF factor and raise of RGF. Pupol by Michele Zazzara. (Note Rumiz).

There are a lot of interesting results that need to be evaluated. The first, prevedible, is that the monogamous brave putele have generated circumcirca the same number of fiois of the monogamous male pikerins group of our precedent study (Manna, 2009a), as you will surely saver. If you do not saver, than you have to buy a copy of Monon Behavior 69/90, dei. The second is that the facilones and the brave putele have circumcirca the same reproductive fitness, with a little advantage for the facilones. So, the gene BUS-One should be at least diffused as the MUS-One, and female polygamy should be a good reproductive strategy for humans, probably the most diffuse. Instead, we know very well that human females are monogamous (Titepensi, 2005). We think that this is greatly correlated to the abbassament of CTF factor and to the cambiament from nacici to maranteegas of all females in a really incasinated way that now ve spiegherem:
  1. All the mitochondrios of the humans descend matrilinearment from a unique ancestral female antenat, that lived 150000 years ago and that has been called Eva, or “Mitochondrial Eva”, even if some are not d’accord. So, all females, facilones or brave putele, have the same mitochondrios, that are the organells that produce the energy. OK, keep this in amente.
  2. Both groups, facilones and brave putele, become less nacici and more maranteegas and lowerizz their CTF factor as a rispost to male presence. In fact it is very difficult for females to sopportar the males who spuzz, who do not move a finger in the house, who do not understand, who do not ascolt, who watch balon in tv and who rutt and scorezz. So, all females pian pianin are stressed by the male castronery and fancazzism, and increase their RGF. Obviously, polygamous females are more stressed for the presence of more males in the house. -As you could easily imagine, this point is the great rampeegade on the mirrors :P -
  3. The energy produced by the mitochondrios (the same for all females) is not enough to sopport the stress of more than one male at a time, even with some exceptions (Laidos, 1988). So, this easily explain why females are monogamous: un basta e vanza. From this ragionament, it is also evident that we are not correct when we exclaim “porca Eva” (or worst epithets), because she surely was monogamous.

Females polygamy could be a very competitive strategy in humans, but instead the main strategy is monogamy because females can not produce the quantity of energy needed to sopport the stress produced by more than one male in the house. For this stress, females become pian pianin maranteegas. Monongamous males, on the other side, are stressed because they are kept in this condition by the evil gene TE-STRAEWIRO. Males that are not under the TE-STRAEWIRO effect try to be a little polygamous ogni tant to alleviate the stress, but they are always ciapated and riempited of sazie lignade by females. However, a great philosopher of our century told: “if a key can open many doors, it’s a good key. If a door can be opened by many keys, it’s a bad door.” In conclusion, amor is not brodo de fasoi.

Note Rumiz: as no tuti sa, we allegate the explanation of the Kruscovac Academy of what a rumizada is (Dialetich, 2009):
Rumizàda. Sost; plur: Rumizàde; da Rumiz Paolo, ciclista viagiador ma anca giornalista; per taluni deriva inveze dela parola anglosassone Roometzate, espression onomatopeica e ontomatopelvica che deriva da Vroom, rumor che i ciclisti pensa che la bici fazi se spinta in pienaza de cagarse (raforz. Roooometzate, da Vroooom, spinta in strapienaza de stracagarse). Xe l’ato de cior la bici tut’int’un e partir per mete lontane, generalmente associade al termine “a remengo” o, se a distanza magior o uguale a 10000 Km, “in stramonazza”. A sto ato generalmente segui la publicazion de un libro con pupoli de Altan e comento tecnico de Emilio Rigatti.
Deriv. Rumizadòr; Rumizàr; Rumizmàtico.
Sin. Pedalada fora coi copi; Fadigon su do riode; impresa ciclistica.
Contr. Divanada; Poltronada; Pomigada.

We thanks all the females that will help us to alleviate the stress accumulated for this complex study. And also the females that will not spetar us outside to riempir us of sazie lignades.

Dialetich G. 2009. Che vanzada: guida a li neologismi tergestini. Accademia del Kruscovac guide.
Elio E.L.S.T. 1989. Cara ti amo. Universo femminile ediction.
Laidos. 1988. Laidi, La vera storia di Marinella, La mamma maiala. Spritz records.
Manna D. 2009a. Male monogamy: the best sexual strategy for humans? Monon behavior Vol. 69 No. 90: 13-16.
Manna D. 2009b. Miramare-Opicina: a preliminary study on the best bicycle way. Monon behavior Vol. 69 No. 90: 6-8.
Siffredi R. and Pozzi M. 1993. Ingropada in Gropada. Amica Chips serie 1993.
Titepensi B.M. 2005. How could Eva be polygamous if Adam was the only man? Eden chronicles 12: 23-24.
Witz M. 2004. Le ragazze si dividono in due gruppi, le facili e le pure. Le facili sono facili, le pure pure. Par ‘talian se capissi meo ediction.

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